If Anyone Could Survive The Crucifixion...

Today in class, Casey said that there are people who believe that Jesus ACTUALLY survived the crucifixion, faked his death after being BRUTALLY flogged, beaten, and crucified. Then while in the grave, unwrapped himself from the death linens and said "surprise" to the disciples… This made me think...

If anyone in this modern world could survive the crucifixion that even Jesus couldn’t, who would it be?

Here is the list in no particular order. (WARNING… this is a joke, don’t take me seriously, I am aware no one would survive)

50 Cent
Rambo
Chuck Norris
Bear Grylls
Truman from the Truman Show
Crocodile Dundee
Dude from Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Tiger Woods
Bond (Daniel Craig)
My Grandpa
My Dad
John McClane aka Bruce Willis (from Die Hard)
Russian guy from Die Hard
Steve Irwin
Richard Brurnory

Fitty has been shot 8 times including in the dome and he's still alive. I think the fact that he would be publicly naked would give him some more incentive to try and stay alive so he could boast about his bullet wounds as well as being a "blessed" black man. But from a big assortment of council I’ve been told he would cry like a little baby… so because of the unanimous vote, he’s off the list.

Rambo is quite possible the toughest movie character... I say honestly Rambo could do it, but Sylvester Stallone is like 3 feet tall and I envision the toughest man alive to be a bit taller than that. If it was Rambo AND Rocky combined we’d have a winnerchickendinner…

John McClane lives through the Gnarliest stuff ever, when it comes to movies. But the fact that he went from normal cop from ny in the 1st movie to 10 years later a guy who is jumping cars into helicopters is UNREALISTIC! So Bruce, you’re out…

The Russian dude that got hung from the chains in the 1st Die Hard did hang dead for like a long time and come back, BUT Bruce Willis got him....

Truman from The Truman Show was a suggestion from Spencer but come on; the pain he experienced is a bit different from the pain of a crucifixion..... Plus he cried too much.

Crocodile Dundee is a possibility to the list but the third movie just ruined me on him being a tough GUY.... Tough guys don’t live in LA.

Mentally Tiger Woods could bear the pain, but his Buddhist breathing technique for golfing couldn’t keep him alive longer than a normal person.

Steve Irwin... This guy survived everything but..... The sting ray. (RIP STEVE, you were the man, I feel bad for using your name but you were a GNAR man)

Dude from Between a Rock and a Hard Place. You did cut your arm off bro, BUT you can’t really crucify a 1 armed man… so you would have been stuck on a stick… ugh and you wouldn't have lived through that. Up the Yin and out the Yang.

BOND! James Bond. He never dies, never loses fully and the newest Bond (Daniel Craig) just so happens to take a pretty brutal beating in Casino Royale…. If you haven’t seen it, its something you might not want to watch…. Although Bond is the definite choice for this…. I cannot choose him simply because the DaVinci code would become reality when Bond finally got off the cross to swoop Mary Magdalene off her feet.

Richard Brunory. This man could kill you with one solid swoop of a thumbs up.... His eyes and gaze could melt the steel that airplane fuel cant. He is quite possibly the toughest guy in TCC. (For all of you who don’t know, Richard is the Facility Manager of The City Church). I do think Richard could handle the pain, but he's a bit past his prime. I think Richard 20 years ago may have been the answer to my pondering but forgive me for saying this but he's not quite capable in the age he is.... Richard if you read this, I do respect you but the crucifixion would be too much, even if you are the toughest MAN in TCC.

Chuck Norris. What can else can be said about Chuck... He has entire websites devoted to claim his name.... I really do believe the Chuck Norris we all joke and talk about could survive. IN REALITY the REAL Chuck Norris is the Total Body Gym infomercial ad GUY. This gave me a new perspective to Chuck... Trying to sell a pulley powered work out machine while wearing spandex tights totally ruins me on being the toughest man alive.... Chuck from Missing In Action or EARLY Walker Texas Ranger may be the real deal BUT that’s just fantasy.

My Grandpa Jerry, beside my dad is the toughest guy I know. In his 20’s he shot himself in the head with a gun… The bullet is still in his head, and he still alive. Not only that, he eats good ol bacon, ham and pork chops on a daily basis. Drinks a good 3 pots of BLACK coffee a day. He has smoked 2+ packs of cigs for 50 years. He chews Copenhagen, drank for 40 years, and he’s still living the life. However my grandpa would welcome the end, so he could get his real teeth back.

My dad. So every young boy thinks their dad is the toughest man alive…. I really do think my dad is quite possibly the toughest guy I know. But plainly, if my dad was being crucified, I’d put him out of his misery, Last of the Mohicans style…. Love ya Dad.

THE final answer to the question is....dingdingding.
Bear Grylls.
Toughest man known to the modern world... Bear has survived more gnarly situations then any person that we currently KNOW of. Regardless of the fact that he may secretly eat foot, drink water or have people with him, I think the stuff he does, no one else can do. I do think that survivorman is equally as good at surviving, BUT Bear Grylss is just Gnar. He could give the other thieves tips on how to control their breathing to keep their heart going longer. Not only that, but he would be in his prime of nakedness, Bear Gryls loves being naked, however he wouldn’t be able to do jumping jacks or push ups because he would be nailed to the cross. Even when the Roman soldiers would come to break his legs, he would use his fox like reflexes to dodge the club. Bear Grylls you are a modern day marvel.
From the Genius of Ethan Salinas. “Bear Grylls would find a way to survive...”
Bear Grylls we salute you!